I think if Gallahad came back now, and he saw me, he'd just be so mad at me...I keep telling myself, 'it's okay, he's home, they're all home and you know where they are' so that I'll actually take care of myself, but...doesn't help.
Actually, that makes it a whole lot worse. Because they're there, and I'm here. And I never had friends before at home, not ever. I was the guy that society forgot, but that was okay because I was used to that. And I had my apartment and my job and I could do my investigating and nobody would bother me...even if I wanted them to.
But then Gallahad showed up and I had a friend, for the first time in my life, and now I don't know what to do without him. Or them. Or anybody here.
Because I have friends here...and I lose them too. Doumeki, Timothy, Zuko, Watanuki, Thomas and Harry, I really liked all of them, and I lost them. But with them...
...It's not the same, because I DON'T know where they are or if they're safe.
I just worry and I can't stop thinking about them. And they don't know who I am anymore, so it's pointless too.
And someday, the other people I really care about here are gonna leave too...Sam and Dean and Euphie and Doll and Penny, and so many others, they're gonna go home to places that I can't understand or be friends with them in. Like our friendship never really happened. And with Sam and Doll and Penny and Euphie, it's even worse...I haven't had a family since I was 16. And I've got one again, and it's absolutely wonderful and I love it...
But it's not forever. One day it's gonna end and it'll be like that family never existed. Just like when I was 16.
...And someday, I'm gonna be all alone again. Just like before Gallahad. Only this time, I'll know what it's like to actually have friends.
And I don't think I'll be able to go back to being alone again so easily...I mean, Gallahad's been gone for about 2 months, and I'm only just starting to clean up the apartment, I'm still not eating right, and I haven't really been able to sleep a whole night in 2 months.
's stupid. He always kept the nightmares away, just by being there...and I can't ask anybody else to help with that, because the rest of the world needs to sleep to.
Heh. I think part of me was in love with him, because I'd never had that kind of friend before...I think part of me is in love with all the people I'm really close to here. Some maybe more than others. That makes it ever worse...
...I'm just waiting for the day when everybody else leaves. Or the day I go home and they've all forgotten me or moved on. I know one of those days is coming...I never stop thinking about it, it's always in the back of my brain eating away at every little good thing that happens here.
When I'm alone again...it's gonna be different, and it's gonna be a whole lot worse. Because I've had something I never had before.
I just hope that I'll be able to handle it again. Because right now, I don't think I can.
[ooc: Elephant in the Corner curse. Hanna's deepest fears about being alone are revealed!]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
